Singles and the Law of Attraction

You want a relationship. You know the kind of relationship you want to find. You know the gender, the age, the look of the person you are looking for. You have an idea of where you want to live and what you want to do together.

Clarity about what you want in a relationship is a crucial part of the creation process. But just as your wants can help you attract a mate, they can also prevent you from creating the relationship you long for. Let me explain.

There are distinctions in wants. First, there are those wants we all have that live at the level of form and are more surface or ego-based. For example, “I want to be with someone who is attractive, slim, healthy, young and has a lot of money.”  When we search for relationship with these kinds of form-based wants in mind, we find ourselves assessing prospective partners superficially, writing people off at first glance because they do not meet our external criteria. In this way, our “wants” may actually prevent us from meeting and discovering our perfect mate.

When we look below the surface of our wants, we can see that there is a reason for our want list. In each desired “form” of what we want, there is an experience we imagine we will have once we have that form. For example, we may want to be with someone who makes a lot of money because we want an experience of ease and comfort. Or maybe we want to be with someone who is attractive because we desire an experience of exciting, satisfying lovemaking.

We believe that forms will deliver us certain experiences. We are brainwashed to believe, for example, that buying a certain car will have us feel powerful and sexy. This connection between forms and feelings dominates the media and is the basis of most commercials. Buy this, eat this, weigh this amount, make this kind of money, and you will feel _________ (fill in the blank). We take this assumption and apply it to relationships, believing that relationship with a certain kind of someone will result in us having a certain kind of loving, connecting, joyful experience.

Forms and experience are not necessarily connected, as we all know. We can be in relationship with someone who is attractive and have a horribly shallow unsatisfactory sex life, or be with someone less attractive and have the sweetest most electrifying sexual experience. We can have a partner with lots of money and feel incredibly lonely, disconnected and uncomfortable, or be with someone with little money and feel richer, connected and more at ease than most.

Experience does not live in form. Experience lives in who you are being, in what you are thinking and feeling and believing. Experience, feeling a particular set of feelings, comes from “being”, not from “having”. It comes from “inside you”, not from “out there”. Experience is created from the inside out and is influenced by our beliefs.

The law of attraction states that like attracts like. What you focus in on is what you get more of. For most of us, we interpret this to mean that if we keep in mind what we want, it will come. And so we repeat to ourselves, “I want to be with someone who is attractive, slim, healthy, young and has a lot of money.”  But focusing on the form of what we want has us more often than not miss out on the delightful experiences we are so wishing to create for ourselves. We might write off someone with whom we would feel great love, for example, because they are older than we think we want. Even if we overlook the externals and give this person a chance, we might not feel the love we are looking for, because we can’t find “out there” what we want to feel “in here”.

Wayne Dyer said in Ambition to Meaning, “You do not get what you want, you get who you are”. To attract the person with whom you hope to experience deep love, intimacy, laughter, ease, candid honesty, wildly passionate lovemaking, autonomy…. You must “be” what you wish to attract. Be it, and then the law of attraction will match you up with someone who embodies these characteristics and qualities.

“Be” what you wish to experience. You want to feel love? Then love. You want to feel connected? Then connect. You want to experience deep intimacy? Then share yourself openly and honestly wherever you go. You want to be appreciated? Then appreciate people everywhere. When you are “being” now what you wish you experience with a partner in the future, you are effectively sending out a vibrational frequency to the universe about what you want through who you are. The law of attraction will bring you a match. Granted, your beloved may weigh 60 extra pounds or live in another country, or be 15 years younger or older than you. But if you are blissfully happy and in love and partnered, will any of that matter? 

Connecting with the experience you want to create in relationship is absolutely crucial for creating your desired relationship. When you know the essence of the feeling you are wanting to create for yourself in relationship, and you start feeling what you want to feel NOW, then you allow forms to appear that best accommodate your desired experience. Not only will you set yourself up to more likely attract what you REALLY want, but you will have a blast creating for yourself lovely experiences in dating until your beloved finally appears. 

If you want help with how to discover what you really want in relationship and support to create the relationship of your dreams, check out our affordable singles programs and experience for yourself the amazing results that come when you shift your focus and attention….

Sonika Tinker, MSW is a relationship expert, transformational coach, national speaker, NLP Professional, Certified Enneagram Teacher and author of Seize your Opportunities: Living a Life Without Limits. She is the founder of LoveWorks, a relationship training company, and is passionately committed to empowering men and women to create powerful successful relationships and to live deeply inspired lives.

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